on waking up.

Sunday, February 25, 2018

Photo by Alex Blăjan on Unsplash
When you search for "happy" at unsplash, this comes up.
And, I mean, I love my teddy bears and all, but.... ::head tilt::
Still, it was too hilarious NOT to use.  Just saying.

For a while now, I've been feeling like I've been waking up.

Metaphorically.  I still enjoy naps.  Let's just be clear here.

That said, I really don't have a better metaphor.

I'm not sure if the depression med cocktail finally fermented into the right vintage or what, but after literally seven-ish years of sleepwalking, or feeling like I've been partially sleepwalking at least, I kinda feel like the dawn cracked over the horizon and I'm shaking off the sandy-eyed unconsciousness and waking up to life again.

It's hard to explain, if you've never been in that place before.  It's not like I'm unaware of things day to day.  I'm not dissociative, really.  But when I try to account for what I've been doing for the past, oh, say, year or so, I kinda just give you a blank stare and blow a tongue-raspberry and go take a nap.  I've been hibernating, with short periods of being interested in stuff, but slipping pretty quickly back into that state where binge-watching Real Housewives of Whatever is a more appealing thing than doing anything else.

(And, really, it's been more of a "I'll just read this stack of books for sixteen hours straight," than an actual TV binge, but the result's the same: sixteen hours where my butt doesn't leave the chair, and I've been disturbingly okay with that.)

And THAT said, I'm not sure what happened to change it, either.

It's been kind of gradual.  I started getting interested in things again.  Being curious about things again.  Feeling creative again.

I stopped looking at anything political on social media, which was part of it.  (Before anybody gets all sniffy and judgemental, I read the news.  I just don't get my news from WFBK anymore.)  I blocked out all ads and used a browser extension to get rid of any mention of politically-charged terms.  All of a sudden, I like my feed, and my friends, more again. 

I stopped doing things that were stressing me out, and cleaned up a lot of past projects.  This meant admitting that some things weren't going to get done without more blood than I was willing to shed, and after taking the guilt of bowing out, it's done a TON for that feeling of constant overwhelm that was with me all day, every day.  If I felt like hibernating for a day, I hibernated for a day.  (Which was a huge change from denying myself the time off, which led to being so exhausted sometimes that it took more like a week for recovery instead, saving myself six days of self-torture in the process.)

I've been cleaning out my physical stuff, too.  (As has been well-documented here.)  Admitting what I was realistically ever going to get to/be inspired by/use up means that my environment is much calmer.  It's still a work-in-progress, but it has really, really, really helped.  Really.

So maybe it hasn't just been one thing that changed.  Maybe it's just that all the little changes finally snowballed themselves up into an Indiana-Jones-Style-Rolling-Boulder that finally rolled itself off the cliff.  Or whatever. 

(It hasn't helped my weird metaphors.  Obviously.)

Honestly, it kind of feels like I'm remembering who I am.

Before I let people tell me who I'm supposed to be.  Or who they think I am (and should be punished for).  Or who I thought I should be to be more....I dunno...acceptable, maybe?  Adult?

Because fuck shame.

(Sorry, Mom.  I'd use another word if one was appropriate.  But the f-word's it.)

I'm alone a lot right now, since J (the husbeast) got his dream job and is travelling a lot, leaving me and Bellaboo to luxuriate in silence and pastries.  I crave a lot of silence.  A lot of alone-time.  It lets the world be calm around me so the whirlwind that is my brain can also kind of calm down and see things more clearly.

I'm still getting my bearings.

I suppose that happens after being sort of caught up in all the Supposed-Tos and You-Are-This-es and trying to fit square pegs in round holes or whatever.  My brain GPS is recalculating after trying to drive me off a cliff or two for the past eight-ish years.

But it's coming.

I'm waking up.

Don't call it a comeback, I've been here for years.
(apparently, with the Teddy of Happiness in a field of tall grasses.)

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© G O * E X P L O R I N G Maira Gall.